


Dust

by koolmcr



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Baggage, F/F, Forgiveness, Introspection, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:22:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29039334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koolmcr/pseuds/koolmcr
Summary: Maybe if she did turn, everything wouldn't be gone now.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 42





	Dust

Every day, Ellie wishes that she would've turned in the mall with Riley. 

Maybe sometimes it's more pressing than others.

When she's on the road to the Fireflies with Joel and every new turn leads to another brick wall, another fight, another mortal wound. When she wakes up in a moving car, in a hospital gown. When she knows she's being lied to by the one man she trusts with her whole heart and rides into the night to find out the truth.

It's easy to slink down into thought. If she would've turned, none of this would've happened. Tess, Henry, Sam, all of the fucking Fireflies, everyone in the world since she got fucking bit...no one would've had to die because of her. It would've been so easy, just to lose her mind. Maybe her and Riley would've cracked the code together, maybe the other side isn't so bad once you're there and it's only hellish to those who aren't there. Maybe it's just the same as dying and her death was probably better than the false hope of her immunity.

Maybe if she did turn, everything wouldn't be gone now. 

The roads in the aftermath of Santa Barbara are streaked with her blackened, muddy blood when she first starts out. It kind of reminds her of her period blood, but that isn't really something she's experienced in a while. She needs to eat more. Somehow she doesn't die from the gaping wound; dealing with a similar one with Joel probably helped her survive on that. The mangled fingers on her left hand are another problem that she hacks off with some dead guy's machete and cauterizes in a daze. 

She shambles in a numb way across California, not really going anywhere, thinking too much and not at all. All she sees is Joel on his porch, focusing on how much she hated him for letting her live and how much she hated herself for not giving him another chance until hours before his death. There's so much guilt inside of her. And going after Abby, holding her under the water, didn't make it go away. So she stopped. 

What now? What's left for her in this life that Joel allowed her to live? 

Dina's not gonna be there. It's not fair for her even entertain the idea she'd take her back, not after breaking her heart into a million pieces. 

Can she even face going back to Jackson? After all she's done? She couldn't stand to be there for longer than a month when they got back from Seattle. Can she even live that life anymore or is she just a wild woman, killing and callous? Tommy'd probably kill her if he saw her and found out what she did- _didn't_ do. Ellie would probably let him. 

Should she find somewhere else? Another settlement? Be alone? Wander aimlessly?

What the fuck is the point of it all? 

She drinks when she's thirsty and eats crumbs. She keeps walking. Somehow, she finds herself in Utah. Again. 

The hospital isn't that far from what the highway signs say. But she doesn't want to fucking go there again. 

She didn't get her meaningful death. But who in this world really has one of those? People die all the time. All those people she killed died because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. What made her so special that her life had to mean something? When all of those fucking people meant nothing to her? Just roadblocks in the way of a misguided vengeance. 

Ellie really wishes she would've turned. It makes her cry sometimes in a way that she won't let herself. Like now, camped out in a burnt out car on the highway outside of Ogden. The tears are giving her a headache and the snot's all backed up in her nose. 

Her mind goes all over the place. If Riley were still alive, where would she be? Would she be the Firefly she always wanted to be? Would Sam and Henry have met up with the Fireflies if they didn't die? Would Jesse be smiling happily at his son? Would Tess, Joel still be some smugglers in Boston? 

These people fucking mattered. And they're all dead because of her. It's hard to not want the same. Words echo back from years ago. 

_I struggled a long time with survivin'. No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for._

"What's there to fight for now, Joel?" She whispers, holding her pistol in her hands. It feels heavier than it ever has. 

Ellie'd probably became that for Joel after the whole Tess situation. What's the equivalent? JJ? She didn't want to hinge her entire life on him. That's too much pressure for anyone, let alone a baby.

How old was he now? Fuck. She hadn't really been keeping track. Nearly two? Maybe even three. If somehow she came barreling back into his life, would he even recognize her? 

No. She had to find her own reason to live. Dina and JJ can't be it, not if the woman didn't want anything to do with her anymore. She couldn't live on a hope that wasn't real. This is probably how Joel felt when she cut him off. Lost. 

_Dina, is she your girlfriend?_

_You do like her._

_I have no idea what that girl's intentions are, but I do know that she would be lucky to have you._

But...maybe if she could want to forgive Joel, Dina could want to forgive her? Ellie fucking missed her. Her dark hair and darker eyes made the world make sense for a small, shining stretch of time. Could she understand that the revenge quest is over? That Ellie finally gets what the best way to honor Joel is and what he would've wanted but that doesn't really matter because she isn't Joel but those two things line up to be the same anyway? That she's sorry? Dina'd been there through her very worst. And yet Ellie was the one who left. She's always the one who fucking leaves.

She laughs a little bitterly as she sits somewhere along Snake River. No, old man. You got it way wrong. _Ellie's_ the lucky one to have Dina. Or, she was. Ellie's nothing special, just a girl. A dumb, shitty, dykey girl who should've turned years ago but has _two_ bites now and is still herself. And herself is probably way worse than being infected would be.

It takes a few days for her to realize that her feet keep taking her places she's been before, to a gate that asks her to identify herself at gun point. Her arms go up on instinct. 

"Ellie. It's Ellie."

She's not really ready for the gate to open, for Maria to hug her tight and chide her. For the bustle of people around her, asking if shes okay. But it all happens anyway. She keeps her bit hand hidden in a wrapped bandage as she gets fawned over for her incomplete one, ushered towards the clinic. 

And just like that, in cloud of people gawking at her return, Dina appears. Tears falling down her cheeks as she rushes a hug on Ellie. 

Maybe Ellie doesn't wish that she had turned in that moment. Maybe she actually believes that she can be forgiven.


End file.
